Society glorifies success and winning, so it's easy to internalize the notion that victory is a necessity. The majority of my highest-level athletes – pro’s, national team members, Olympians often have to learn how to reframe their perspective on their pursuit. The nearsighted mindset of “winning at all costs” leads to undue stress, anxiety, and a skewed sense of self-worth. However, by shifting our perception of winning from a "need" to a "want," we can create the right tension in our grip to success and, ultimately, align our pursuits with our deepest drives.
The Paradox of Needing to Win
When winning is perceived as a need, failure becomes catastrophic. The unintended result is that it feels exactly like NEEDING our next breath – if we don’t get it, we die. It creates both mental and physical tightness. Ask any elite level athlete and they’ll tell you that when performance is best its smooth and appropriately loose – never tight. The mindset of NEEDING success suggests that without it there is nothing else. That we are nothing else. That the future will be miserable – if there even is one. This fosters fear and insecurity, making every challenge a do-or-die situation. This relationship to winning is entirely fear based. It can also lead to unethical behavior, as the end justifies the means.
Embracing Winning as a Want
First, let me be clear - winning matters. It’s important to us. It’s important in our overall growth and development. It can lead us to innovate and create. It can lead to other great experiences and opportunities. Believe me my career has been largely about helping others (or myself) to accomplish goals that often include winning, and I love it! However, the greatest freedom for achieving it is actually in first coming to terms with the reality that we don’t NEED it, but rather we can simply WANT it.
Viewing winning as a want rather than a need allows for a healthier, more balanced approach. It takes just enough of the edge off of the fear of failure that we need in order to have a proper grip on it. With this perspective, losing is no longer a reflection of self-worth but an opportunity to let go and go for it! The journey becomes as significant as the destination, and the value of the experiences are recognized, and there is no shame or regret to be fearful of.
Aligning Pursuits with Values
Once we redefine winning, we can pursue it in a way that aligns with our core values. This involves introspection and identifying what truly matters to us— examples may be integrity, compassion, creativity, or any other personal value. By aligning our actions with these values, the pursuit of winning becomes more meaningful. It shifts from a superficial chase to a deeply fulfilling endeavor.
For example, if you value pushing performance boundaries, you might approach challenges with innovation and originality, rather than merely striving to outperform others. This not only enhances personal satisfaction but also contributes to a more authentic and impactful success. By going for it you are already reaching your goal. You experience a freedom in the pursuit rather than a fear of the unknown.
The bottom line is that when we change our relationship with winning from a need to a want it allows us to pursue success in a way that resonates with our deepest values rather than our fears of the "what if". This shift leads to a more fulfilling and balanced life, where success is not just about the outcome but about the journey and the principles that guide us.
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Stuart Singer, M.Ed., and PsyD is the Director of WellPerformance, a Mental Performance Coaching and Consulting practice, and the creator of the DoSo app https://t.co/R61vbpda4X . For more information regarding this topic, he can be contacted at ssinger@wellperformancecoach.com or follow him on X: @wellperformance, or Instagram: @wellperformance
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